Dear Apple  

What an unusual nickname you have, my dear! Thank you for your letter - I don’t get many from nine year olds, and I’m sorry that the Childline adviser hung up on you. I’m not completely sure what a ‘douche bag’ is but perhaps she didn’t take too kindly to being called one, dear. Neither am I convinced that having to eat your mother’s “hippy beany shit” can really be classed as child abuse. Quinoa with buckwheat pasta sounds absolutely scrummy! I haven’t tried twig tea myself, but I’m sure I’d love it and being forced to chew each mouthful thirty-eight times is fabulous for your digestion, as borne out by your comment that you are “never off the crapper”. 
You really are a lucky little girl to live in a house filled with music! Perhaps you are not yet old enough to fully appreciate your Dad’s “suicidal cat” singing, but I don’t feel this is strong enough reason for you to be fostered. I’m sorry you are so unhappy, Apple my dear but your parents sound like nice, normal, well-adjusted people to me and they just have your best interests at heart. One must count one’s blessings and be thankful that Apple is not your real name! Imagine how tiresome life would be if it was!

All the best, dear.

Yours Eunice

Thank you for your moving letter. I do so feel for you - I know just what it’s like to be publicly shamed; my knicker elastic completely gave way during PE once. At the time, I was halfway up the rope ladder, but fortunately, our teacher Mr Riddler was standing directly beneath me and caught my knickers in his out-stretched hand. What luck!
You say you have been humiliated by a “moaning, miserable, pube-headed twonk” but I sense you are just feeling a little over-sensitive right now. It was lovely that you had dinner together last night, as this will start the healing process, although I’m not sure what you mean by “had a crack at his girlfriend”? It doesn't sound all that nice, dear. But it was very kind of you to take Sue Barker home; it’s not safe for the elderly to be out on their own in the dark, walking the streets.
You sound like a very lovely and caring person, Novak. Don’t let life’s little set backs set you back! Always keep a stiff upper lip, as Tracy Austin would say!

Yours, Eunice

Dear Tu Lisa

I found your letter under my pile of Quilting For You magazines and notice it is dated some time ago; I do hope my advice does not come too late!
I am unfamiliar with the act that you describe in your letter and neither could I find it in my most trusted Clare Rayner manual, the 1978 edition. But, in my opinion, I really don’t think it’s sensible to do that to your boyfriend, dear – it doesn't sound particularly hygienic.
What you need is something to keep yourself occupied and increase your sense of self-worth; I assume you have a job? May I suggest you take up a hobby; the guides always come up with some wonderful examples for their hobby badge! Just last week, one gave our group a fascinating talk on growing exotic plants in her bedroom, although between you and me, she did giggle rather too much throughout – nerves, I expect!
You could discover more about growing exotic plants by reading a book, or perhaps by mixing with people who share the same interest? And, Tu Lisa my dear, do try and remember to put some trousers on when you leave the house next time: you’d clearly forgotten in that picture you sent me of yourself, a lovely top though it was – you don’t want to catch your death of cold. And pants too, dear. Always pants. Even most scout groups insist on underwear these days, although one can still glimpse a naked beaver from time to time!

Let me know how you get on, dear. All the best!

Yours, Eunice