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Dear Nigel

3/27/2015

Dear Nigel

Thank you for sharing such an intimate problem with me; clearly it is causing a great deal of frustration for you and your new lady friend. I hope you don't mind, however being inexperienced in these matters, I referred your letter to my dear niece, who has recently returned from her latest honeymoon.
I'm sure you will find it comforting to know that it is, apparently, very common for men to become a little over-excited during a romantic interlude. My niece's advice is to indulge in a lamb shank just before you set off on your next date. I know that might seem a little unorthodox, but I'm sure a hearty dose of red meat will do wonders for your stamina. My niece said if that fails, try thinking of Katie Hopkins.
Hopefully that should do the trick, dear.

Yours, Eunice

Dear Martin

2/22/2015

Dear Martin

Thank you for your proposal of marriage. Sadly, I fear the distance between Lower Loch Lochy and Southend-on-Sea a little too far to bridge. However, I do occasionally visit the area to take my dear Uncle McCleaver for a stroll along the pier (always accompanied by his warden, of course). Next time I visit, I will do as you suggest and join you for a 69 – I think you meant to write 99, didn’t you, dear? You obviously know how partial I am to a bit of Mr Whippy.

See you soon, dear.

Yours, Eunice

Dear Anna

1/13/2015

Dear Anna

Gosh, that is quite an age difference, isn’t it? Never the less, you know what they say - age knows no boundaries, and I’m sure you will both be very happy together. Now, I’m not an expert in these matters being unmarried myself, but all I can suggest is that you try not to look at it when you touch it, dear. Not until you have your gag reflex under control.

Wishing you both a long and happy marriage.

Yours, Eunice

Dear Bill

1/7/2015

Dear Bill

Congratulations! At the age of 92, you are my oldest correspondent. Thank you so much for the slice of Dundee cake, it was extremely thoughtful of you. It arrived a little squished, but perfectly edible when tipped into a saucer.

I’m sorry to hear of the feud, dear, families can weave such complex relationships. But I, like you, simply cannot understand the adversity towards your Grandson’s latest business venture. Perhaps there is a little jealousy because of the wonderful investment you have made; I think it is most admirable of you to have ploughed so much into supporting your Grandson. Yes, the evenings can seem long without a television, but now that you don’t have anything to sit on, it’s a great excuse to get out and enjoy your garden. I imagine it must be very difficult for you to eat at the moment, but you will soon receive a return on your investment, and then you can replace your gold teeth.

There really is nothing to worry about, dear, you’re clearly financially shrewd and your family will soon come round. I only wish I had some funds to invest into your Grandson’s ‘guaranteed risk-free’ scheme. Personally, I wouldn’t have sold all my roof tiles in one go but goodness, I am far too cautious. A Nervous Nellie, my mother used to call me! But you, Bill, are living proof that fortune favours the brave.

I do hope my letter has reassured you, dear. You can sleep soundly (as far as the bathtub will allow) secure in the knowledge that your fortunes are about to be transformed. I will keep an eye on the Emerging Greek Markets Property Fund and think of you, happily reaping the benefits.

Yours, Eunice

Dear Valerie

11/11/2014

Dear Valerie

Lucky you, how lovely to be invited to an evening of swing. I can recall spending some very heady nights with a quartet from Loch Lomond (The Rat McPack). I was usually partnered with Shorty George for the toss-out, and there was always a ring of eager onlookers admiring my Shim Sham. But, very sadly, my swinging days came to an end some time ago; my knees couldn't take the pace.

I can tell from your letter that you are a little apprehensive about the evening, but even if you are new to the swing scene, it is relatively easy to master the basic moves. Ask someone with experience to show you the shadow position; this is where both partners face the same direction, with one placing themselves squarely behind the other. Then simply follow your partner’s lead, although remember he will be giving you non-verbal directions – you’ll soon get the gist when you are conjoined.

So you see, there is no need to fret, all you really require is plenty of enthusiasm and a little natural rhythm - just relax, let yourself go, and enjoy as many partners as possible. And remember to have heaps of Aloe Vera handy the next morning; you’re guaranteed to wake up with achy bits!

Yours, Eunice

Dear Martin

10/14/2014

Dear Martin

Gosh, you have got yourself into a bit of a pickle, haven't you? My advice would be not to smash the milk bottle - that could cause quite an unpleasant injury, dear. Instead, I suggest rubbing a bar of soap around the rim, then grasp the bottle firmly in one hand and hang onto something solid while you give it a good tug. Hopefully, it will just pop out.

Good luck, dear.

Yours, Eunice

Dear Margaret

8/31/2014

Dear Margaret

Ah, poor you, the curse of the holiday tummy – I remember it well from my only family break. My sisters and I were mysteriously struck down, one by one, as we camped in the field by Airdrie Abattoir. Fortunately, the weather was kind to us, and our sleeping bags dried out enough to be scraped clean with the tin-opener.

My advice to you, dear, is plenty of Milk and Magnesia and don't let it spoil your fun. It was a shame you didn’t think to pack a spare set of dentures, but never mind; just be sure to give them a good rinse before you pop them back in. What a piece of luck you hadn’t flushed!

Yours, Eunice

Dear Mrs Braithwaite

7/19/2014

Dear Mrs Braithwaite

Of course it is never too late to learn! I'm sure your instructor will be fine, but it rather depends on how fast you were going when he jumped from the car.

Yours, Eunice

Dear Martin

7/5/2014

Dear Martin

I'm afraid I don't know what the average size is, but just do your best with it, dear.

Yours, Eunice

Dear Mrs Suarez

6/29/2014

Dear Mrs Suárez

Thank you for your letter asking for advice on how to stop your child from biting. Parenting is such a challenge, isn’t it? Try not to worry, dear - I am reliably informed that biting is a phase that will pass. Your son will soon grow out of it!
However, if you feel the need to take some action before the little lad gets himself into trouble, then perhaps you should take a leaf out of Supernanny’s book and correct this socially incorrect gesture by using the naughty step. Why don’t you give it a try, dear? It doesn’t have to be an actual step, of course, it could be a chair or a bean bag. It’s not a new-fangled technique, you know; my father had his own version, a cage he adapted from an old chicken coup. He would winch my sister and me up over the slurry pit and lower us down until we screamed for forgiveness. The method clearly works - we were exceptionally well-behaved little girls.
I hope you don’t mind, but as I am not blessed with children myself, I told my niece about your son’s little problem. She has typed her advice below:
“Bite him back, the little shit.”
I have to say, my niece certainly knows her stuff! She has formed an amazingly close bond with her sons, during her regular, supervised meetings at the family contact centre.
Well, I hope we have given you some food for thought, dear. I know it won’t be easy, but all the tears and tantrums will be worth it in the end when your son blossoms into a temperate, well-adjusted young man. You certainly wouldn’t want him growing into a monster, would you?

Yours, Eunice