Dear Demented

I referred your letter to my niece, who herself has been rather unlucky in her romantic attachments. She was kind enough to provide you with the following reassurance:

“If you suspect your husband of cheating, he probably is.”

There you are, you see! You’re not going mad!

 

Yours, Eunice

Dear Agonised of Derbyshire

Thank you for your brave letter - of course I don’t think you are a terrible person! Unrequited love is one of the hardest things to bear; I can still recall the heady rush of excitement when Hamish Lock asked me to go to the village dance with him, but watching him do the Highland Fling with Fanny McBarrow was simply heartbreaking. Luckily, my friend Madman Flasher McTosh was there to walk me home.
You say you are in love with the beautiful Daisy, but I’m wondering if it is more of an infatuation? The fact that you can’t keep your eyes off her ‘luscious, long, brown legs’ is wholly inappropriate for the workplace and you must try to keep your mind fixed firmly on your job. I think you may be reading too much into her ‘come-hither’ eyes - perhaps she is simply shortsighted, or has a stigmatism. 
You describe her as having ‘overtly seductive’ eyelashes, which I’m sure are extremely enticing but how can you be so certain that she flutters them just to torment you? It might be to keep the flies out of her eyes. I must confess I felt rather uncomfortable reading, in such graphic detail, how you squeeze and caress her teats at milking time and I don’t think squirting them into your face is such a good idea, not prior to pasteurisation, dear.
I know that life in the country can be very isolating – during the war, I was evacuated to my uncle’s farm in Yorkshire. My only friend was Winston, a delightful bronze turkey, who I raised from a chick until my uncle sent him to live in a lovely turkey sanctuary, just before Christmas.
What you need is some bracing walks, wholesome cooking and plenty of cold baths! May I recommend a great scouting book “101 Ways To Have Fun With a Tennis Ball” – it’s guaranteed to take your mind off Daisy!

Wishing you the very best of luck

Yours, Eunice