Dear Ted

Thank you for your letter – I’m so sorry that you’re not enjoying your retirement as much as you’d hoped. It is an adjustment, isn’t it? My Girl Guide Unit Leader asked me when I planned to retire, but I reassured her I would stay forever; she was so thrilled she almost skipped into the path of a juggernaut! Luckily, I managed to grab her woggle, so no damage was done.

Your wife sounds like a very caring individual to me and has recognised the need for a routine; her daily task list will insure you do not get bored. How clever of her to wire up the garden chairs to alert her when you sit down on them! That will certainly keep you on schedule. And perhaps you’d better steer clear of the sofa too dear, if dents in the cushions infuriate her to the point of actual violence.

I think your wife was right to remove the satellite dish - life’s far too short to sit and watch cricket all day! It’s a shame you can’t find your golf clubs but in the meantime, you’ve got all those renovations to keep you fit! Aren’t you the lucky one?!

I’ve every confidence you will soon settle into your new schedule, Ted. I’m afraid I don’t know the answer to your question ‘how long does a body take to decompose?’ but as a general rule of thumb, whatever material has gone into your compost pile should be chopped into 1 inch pieces before you do your first hot pile turn. 

Hope that helps, dear! All the best to you and your lovely wife.

Yours, Eunice

Dear Vladimir

Thank you so much for your letter. Poor you! I’m sorry that you are feeling so troubled and confused, but I really don’t think you have anything to feel anxious about. It is perfectly natural to enjoy some good-natured rufty-tufty with your buddies out in the healthy mountain air and why not wrestle naked if it is warm enough to do so? At guide summer camp, we often took dips in the lake without any clothes on; in fact, the land owner Mr Preecy, insisted on it. He took his health and safety regulations extremely seriously and personally watched over us as we practised our duck-diving. What a conscientious man!
I think Will Young is a lovely young person, and although I am not familiar with his music myself, I’m quite sure there is no shame in “prancing” around to his songs. Play them loud and proud, as my nephew Elton would say! But perhaps you should refrain from listening to Will on your headphones when you are working, dear – those conferences you mentioned sound rather weighty, and might require a little more concentration.
I hope I have, in some small way, put your mind at rest, Vladimir. And thank you so much for the beaver fur-lined knickers you sent me; I’m sorry but I won’t be sending back a pair of my pants as you requested, however I have enclosed a commemorative guide badge “I’d Rather Be Camping” which I hope you will enjoy!

Yours, Eunice