Dear Lady Fortesgue-Farrow
Thank you for your incredibly moving letter; I could practically feel your angst oozing from the sheets of your family-crested Smythsons of Bond Street writing paper.
I’m quite sure there is no need for alarm. Your husband holds a position of great magnitude and I do not think it at all unusual that he spends a good deal of time in the company of his advisor. He does, after all, need to be kept fully up to speed with matters of vital importance concerning the UK economy and world affairs. I must admit, I share your surprise that his advisor is a school leaver, but doesn’t that say so much about the wonderful education system in this country?
I quite understand your concern at finding your husband down on all fours; clearly, at our age, one must be mindful of one’s joints! But it was very kind of him to search for your stable boy’s contact lens, so you mustn’t be too cross – he sounds like a very considerate employer. One must also remember that an MP serves his constituents in many different ways, and although undertaking a prostate examination might seem a little beyond the call of duty to us traditionalists, your husband is obviously embracing the new, modern way of governing. What a super effort – well done him!
Yes, the world of banking is a mystery, isn’t it? I commend you for examining your statements so meticulously. I don’t know what the weekly payments to ‘Big Ben’ are for, but no doubt they will be something to do with your husband’s role in Parliament; luckily, MPs are always painstakingly transparent in their financial arrangements!
You seem concerned at seeing his car parked in the Forest Edge lay-by, but I think it’s rather lovely that he was searching for a badger’s sett, even though he voted in favour of the cull. I think one calls that a U-turn! He’s obviously a nature lover, given his penchant for all things outdoors, and I do so applaud his eager support and participation in Scout Camp. If it’s anything like Guide Camp, it will be a riot of hot sausages and squeal piggy squeal!
I can think of no better way than to leave you with some heart-warming reassurance; the first principle of scout law is “a scout is loyal and can be trusted”. There you are, you see - you can stop hiding the Vaseline now!

Yours, Eunice

Dear Anthea

I hope you don’t mind, but I was so moved by your dreadful plight that I showed your letter to my lovely niece. I knew she would understand what you are going through as the poor thing was once deceived by her husband, too. She has written this response just for you:

“So; you had an affair with a married man, his wife found out, his family split up, he got divorced, he married you, he cheated on you - he’s left you. Ha ha ha ha ha! LMFAO!”

I hope that provides you with some comfort, Anthea, dear.

Yours, Eunice

Dear Timothy 
Thank you for your letter. I had to refer to my Dr Miriam Stoppard manual to answer your question and I am reliably informed that in order to give your wife an orgasm, you should try sleeping with her.
 
May I wish you the very best of luck!
 
Yours, Eunice

Dear Ian
Thank you for your letter. I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling so lonely and isolated and I can’t help sharing your surprise that you are having difficulties making friends, as you sound like such a lovely person. 
It was so very thoughtful of you to send me a critique of my appearance, although your suggestion to secure a
plastic bag over my head, whilst useful during this awful weather, may prove a little impractical around the house. I thought your writing had a really sincere, candid feel to it – well done you! Might I suggest a little softening around the edges for your future scribes - for example, you could use ‘stigmatismally-challenged’ instead of ‘demented, goggle-eyed bat’. Also, I was a little surprised to receive a letter addressed “Dear Bitch”, but I can’t deny it is a unique approach, so top marks for originality! 
I know you’re nervous of crowds, following the lynch-mob incident, but I find a great way to make new friends is to join a group – the Girl Guides have provided me with enormous satisfaction for many years. The Scouts are always looking for volunteers and one often needs assistance with excitable beavers, although from what you’ve said about the circumstances surrounding your sudden departure from your teaching post, I’m unsure if you are still able to work with children.  
Although you’ve asked me what I intend to do about your isolation, I feel I don’t need to have any worries about
you at all! I’ve no doubt you will soon make lots of friends in your new job at the Sunset Care Home – what an enriching and rewarding career; I know you’ll be simply wonderful!

Yours, Eunice


 

Dear Brenda
How awful for you! Both parents terminally ill – what a dreadful bind. I do so understand the crippling guilt that you describe in your letter; you feel you should be doing so much more to help them, but have a family of your own to attend to. And a severely disabled son, on top of everything else! What a shame your husband’s left you, and obviously you no longer have the support of your best friend; I hope her hair is beginning to grow back.
Well, do try and keep your spirits up. I think a break would do you the world of good. Maybe you could take a nice long holiday – Australia, perhaps? They have a wonderful Girl Guides following out there and I’ve taken the liberty of enclosing some contact details for Joyce who runs the Darwin chapter. There won’t be any accommodation fees as long as you help her herd the cattle, and there might be a little light kangaroo culling to undertake but just think - by the time you get back to your parents, the worst should all be over! Won’t that be a relief? Have a wonderful time.
 
Yours, Eunice