Thank you for your letter. I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling so lonely and isolated and I can’t help sharing your surprise that you are having difficulties making friends, as you sound like such a lovely person.
It was so very thoughtful of you to send me a critique of my appearance, although your suggestion to secure a
plastic bag over my head, whilst useful during this awful weather, may prove a little impractical around the house. I thought your writing had a really sincere, candid feel to it – well done you! Might I suggest a little softening around the edges for your future scribes - for example, you could use ‘stigmatismally-challenged’ instead of ‘demented, goggle-eyed bat’. Also, I was a little surprised to receive a letter addressed “Dear Bitch”, but I can’t deny it is a unique approach, so top marks for originality!
I know you’re nervous of crowds, following the lynch-mob incident, but I find a great way to make new friends is to join a group – the Girl Guides have provided me with enormous satisfaction for many years. The Scouts are always looking for volunteers and one often needs assistance with excitable beavers, although from what you’ve said about the circumstances surrounding your sudden departure from your teaching post, I’m unsure if you are still able to work with children.
Although you’ve asked me what I intend to do about your isolation, I feel I don’t need to have any worries about
you at all! I’ve no doubt you will soon make lots of friends in your new job at the Sunset Care Home – what an enriching and rewarding career; I know you’ll be simply wonderful!